


Questarians Across the 9th Dimension

by sonofzeal



Category: Galaxy Quest (1999), The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across The 8th Dimension (1984)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-20
Updated: 2015-12-20
Packaged: 2018-05-07 21:33:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,818
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5471519
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sonofzeal/pseuds/sonofzeal
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The crew of the NSEA Protector are at it again, and this time they've got some rather unexpected backup.</p><p>(This is a rather silly story, and my first attempt at fanfic of this nature.  Consider it a WIP)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Questarians Across the 9th Dimension

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Butterynutjob](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Butterynutjob/gifts).



It was a dim and gusty night. A trio of hooded figures descended the musty stairs to the ritual chamber, the gravity of the situation only slightly undermined when the littlest hooded figure stepped on the trailing hem of the one in front of them, nearly causing a chain reaction domino effect down the rest of the stairs. Fortunately for all involved, and some who were not, verticality was maintained with only a modicum of wobbling and under-the-breath cussing.

“Shi... gah.... fuu..... Lucia, dear, please mind the hem. This is the big night, and we can't afford anything to go wrong.”

The littlest figure hunched its shoulders with a quiet “sorry dad.” Thus contrited, she picked her footing carefully down to the musky chamber and the Summoning Circle, a gorgeous ten foot wide mass of runes and sigils inlaid with brass into the stone floor, and mirrored by a much smaller one drawn using chalk by child's hand, tucked away in a corner.

The two adults took positions on opposite sides of the Summoning Circle. Lucia stood by her chalk circle, and watched her father and mother raise their arms and begin the chant. 

“Tonight is the night to rid ourselves of the scourge on our lands”, and they lit candles at the four compass points of the circle.

“Tonight is the night”, whispered Lucia, setting out four small sticks.

“The tyrant wizard Elrangor shall oppress us no longer!”

Lucia nodded vigorously. “Oppress us no longer!”

“We summon heroes to fight for us, defend us, protect us.”

“We need a hero!”

The hooded figure that was Lucia's mother shushed her, then continued with the chant. “We summon Heroes who are brave, heroes who are bold, heroes who will never give up and never surrender.”

A bit more quietly, Lucia continued along at her little chalk circle. “We summon a hero that can fight, that can ride, that can cook, a doctor and a racer and a thinker and a musician...”

By now the main summoning circle was glowing with unearthly light. Moving with studied grace, the two adults each opened tiny matching satchels with the words “faerie dust” embroidered on them, and let the contents fall like crystalized light over the circle. Little Lucia, from a fold in her robe, produced a barest pinch of the stuff, taken quietly while her parents hadn't been looking, and dusted it lightly over her little chalk circle. “Please”, she whispered. “....please...”

A sharp crack of displaced air resonated through the stone room.

And then all the heavens seemed to turn themselves inside out, splitting and shifting through untold dimensions like the greatest kaleidoscope in all existence, and finally crystallize into six shining figures within the bronze summoning circle.

There was a man there, fit and lean, with wavy brown hair in a cowlick and a dashing mustache completing a look that positively screamed for a bejeweled rapier and cape that were sadly absent. The strikingly handsome visage was only marginally undermined by a sudden spread of fear and trepidation as he realized his sudden change in surroundings.

There was a youth too, dark of skin and short of hair, strong cheekbones and wide features on an expressive face, filled with a smile that could end wars, which quickly collapsed in a rictus of shock and dismay accompanied by little sputtering sounds of confusion.

Then was a man with bushy black hair and gentle features, a book of logic puzzles in one hand and cup of steaming black liquid halfway to his lips in the other. He mumbled something into the book, glanced around, shrugged, completed the sip, and returned to the book.

There was a woman, too, strikingly tall and athletic, blond hair falling loose to her shoulders. She stumbled slightly as if she had been in mid-step, but came up almost instantly in a defensive stance, ready for trouble.

Past her was a man, tall, with small, sharp features carrying the vague look of being pinched or pained, but sharp brown eyes clearly revealing the intelligence therein. He took one look around the room, and gave a sign of exasperation and defeat.

And finally a man, tall, commanding, silvered hair over piercing blue eyes and strong features, arm raised as if in the middle of issuing an order. His black and grey uniform was pristine, and the four crescents at each shoulder shone like justice. No sign of shock or surprise graced his features, and instead he surveyed the room carefully, noting his crew behind him, took a dramatic stance, and proclaimed “on behalf of the crew of the NSEA Protector...”

He was interrupted by a deafening blast from the child's corner, knocking everyone back to reveal another tall man with flawlessly tousled brown hair, cheekbones you could whet a scalpel on, and a stylish bow tie. Across his back was a guitar case, and a curved sword sat at one hip with a pistol at the other. 

“Huh, looks like a Class 12 translocation phenomenon”, he said, his voice rich and melodic, then glanced over at the other newcomers. “Make that Class 15. Hi. I'm Buckaroo Banzai, and I'm guessing you're actors that have been roped into events beyond your training but have risen to the occasion?”

A long silence filled the room. The assorted crew of the NSEA Protector glanced between eachother and this strange man before the woman finally answered, “well, um, we weren't going to put it precisely that way, but I suppose so. How... uh, how did you know?”

“Oh, your outfits, they're clearly 20th century Earth representation of futuristic military dress, tailored to look fancier than they are. I mean, that's obviously polyester and the buttons are plastic, but you all carry yourselves like true Hong Kong Cavaliers. But enough of that, I'm guessing there's a mission for us to accomplish?”

Making introductions and unravelling their mutual purposes there took some time and much expositing from the hooded couple, pleasant folks who'd worked as simple lab assistants to Elrangor before he'd gone all megalomaniacal. When he'd moved from thaumaturgical translocation to using demonic servitors to enslave the wills of local rulers, they'd started construction on a secret Summoning Circle as an insurance policy. Getting to the point of actually performing the ritual had been no easy task, and with no guarantee of success, but they knew no other magic and could find no other way past the tower's guardians.

After an age of the couple talking around a circle of stiff wooden chairs, and Lucia fidgeting and doodling with chalk on the walls, Alexander Dane interrupted. “So what you're saying is, there's a nigh-omnipotent wizard, fortified in his impregnable tower and protected by a series of mysterious but undoubtedly powerful guardians that use magic, that we here have to somehow defeat by midnight, or we'll all be unsummoned back home, leaving you all to whatever dark fate awaits you?”

The couple looked at eachother. “Er. Well, yes.”

“Ah.” He leaned back in his chair, crossing his arm. “I believe the correct response in this scenario would be to tell you to go intercourse yourselves.”

The idiomatic reference may have been lost, but the general idea was not, nor were the nods coming from Tommy Webber and Guy Fleegman. “He's right”, the latter said. “I mean, we beat Sarris and all, but that was mostly just the Thermians and their tech. We just managed not to mess it up too badly, y'know? This is a whole new league. No way we're ready for this. Who knows what'll happen!”

“Oh come on guys”, Jason Nesmith cajoled, “it'll be fine. I know you guys. Alexander, you can do this. We can do this, if we're all in it together. I need you. These people need you. Are you really going to tell them no, without even giving it a try? Look, if it doesn't turn out, if it gets too dangerous, we can all come back here together and wait out the time in safety. But I'm not going to pass up our opportunity to really help these people!” He looked around the group, making eye contact with each. “I'm going, whether or not you come with me. But given what we're up against, I really hope you do.”

Gwen DeMarco shook her head wistfully. “You're really going to do it, aren't you? You're not bluffing.” Then she sighed, “fine, I'm in too.” Alexander Dane shot her a venomous glance, betrayal written in neon lights on his face, but she just shrugged. “Sorry, but I'm not letting him do it alone.”

Eventually Alexander sighed reluctantly. “I suppose someone has to keep you two out of trouble. Fine, I'm in.

Guy Fleegman and Tommy Webber gave eachother significant glances, neither comfortable with going but neither willing to be left alone here. They looked to Fred Kwan for resolution, but he just shrugged with a simple “I'm good either way.”

With that established, Buckaroo took to his feet, said “alright, follow me”, and strode out of the room and up the stairs. Nesmith followed quickly, the others with varying degrees of reluctance. 

No directions to Elrangor's tower had been provided, and none were necessary. The tower dominated the landscape for miles around, just as much for the looming, blackened stone height as for the crackles of magical energies that cascaded around its peaked roof. A massive darkwood gate denied all entrance, and a horrid creature guarded it with the build of an ape, the muzzle of a wolf, and the size of a woolly mammoth. Scattered trees stood between the tower and the couple's cottage, but the beast's eyes swept the landscape back and forth, and its right hand twitched impatiently. Attack was clearly expected at any time.

Before shock could sink in too far, Buckaroo was already moving swiftly, circling behind the trees in a half-crouch, and beckoning for the others to follow. As they moved closer to the side of the tower, away from the horrid beast, they found a simple wooden door. “There's always a service entrance”, remarked Buckaroo.

Almost at once, a kitchen maid opened the door, emptied a bin of scraps, saw them, and remarked, “oh my stars and stones, the new chefs have arrived! Please, come in, come in at once!”

The kitchen was bustling. Half a dozen people moved about it, clearly fretting over the next big meal. The head matron approached them at once. “Oh goodness gracious, finally, you're here! Quick, we need three pots of soup and five trays of side-dishes, soon as can be, or the Captain of Elrangor's guard is going to have my head!”

They all noticed the fat bundle of keys jangling at the matron's waist, but it was Alexander who spoke up, nose high in the air, sneering disdain in every word: “obviously everyone else in this so-called kitchen is an utter lack-wit if you couldn't even get something as simple as a soup going without our oversight. Alright then,” he spoke slowly and deliberately here, “we'll teach you the five finger discount soup. It's the only one we can make without time for a proper broth. Now, show me where you keep what passes for a decent carrot around here...”

While Alexander kept the matron occupied and distracted with an endless stream of invective, Gwen tried to slide up and lift the key off her, only for the matron to suddenly turn to her when she got close and begin to ask her what she was going to do to help. It was only Alexander's launching into a new batch of slights to the cleanliness of the premises that got her off track again, and it was only Guy's hand that managed to get the keys off her. “I'm used to not being noticed, I guess”, he whispered to the others by way of explanation. “By the way... where's that Buckaroo fellow anyway?”

Jason, Gwen, and Tommy had all been focused on the keys and seemed equally confused, but Fred spoke up. “Oh yeah, he said something about splitting up and covering more ground. I think he went down the hallway or something. Said he'd met back up with us on the higher levels. I dunno, he seemed to know what he was doing.”

The keys ended up leading them, minus Alexander who was occupying half the kitchen staff singlehandedly now by issuing ever more difficult tasks with ever more strenuous invective when it didn't live up to his arbitrarily high standards, up two flights of stairs before they ceased to find doors fthat could be open with mere physical keys. Once they heard some gunfire and a voice yell “he's over here”, followed by echoing footsteps moving away, but nobody bothered them and they continued upward.

Each floor thus far had had a large central room with staircases at alternating ends and some terrible beast guarding it, but they'd been easily able to avoid the beasts by listening for the gurgle or moaning or howl or whatever other sound this particular nasty happened to make, and got to the second and then the third floors by other means. But each floor was narrower than the last, and it soon became obvious they'd have to challenge the guardian this time. Several of them made sounds to the effect of giving up here and heading back, but Jason wasn't having any of it. “Hey, there's no sense giving up before we know what we're even facing here”, he said, and before anyone could protest he was nudging the door open.

Behind the door was a willowy red figure, all feminine curves and tight leather interrupted only by two small nubs of horns and a sweeping, sinuous tail. Even Gwen stared with a slack jaw for a full minute as the figure posed seductively and winked at Jason, beckoning him closer. Nesmith needed no further invitation; he strode into the room full of confident machismo. “Stand aside, whoever you are. I've got a mission to accomplish!”

Within a minute the rest of the crew present had torn their eyes away from the ensuing horror, and a couple minutes more before they were blocking their ears against the moaning and panting and wet slapping sounds.

All said and done, it wasn't long before Jason staggered back to them, rather damp looking and completely winded. When he caught his breath he tried to apologize, but Gwen just rolled her eyes, muttered something ungracious about the male of the species, and went in the room herself.

Ten minutes later, she stumbled back to the group, completely disheveled and just as winded. “She's GOOD”, Gwen remarked as she leaned against the wall.

Tommy and Guy shared a reluctant glance again, and again it was Fred who broke the stalemate with a simple “I'll go.” He walked into the succubus's room while the others hid and covered their ears, until he came back just a couple minutes later. “Door's open”, he said, and walked back in. The others followed, only to find the succubus off in a corner pouting, and the gate accessing the next stairway open.

“Oh, she was very nice”, he said later when they prodded him on it. “But I'm taken. I just explained that to her”.

There was just one more staircase to go up, and the last guardian turned out not to be a beast at all. In fact, it turned out to be nothing at all. Literally nothing. A ceaseless void lay between them and the way up.

“Oh, well, I guess that's it, time to go home”, said Guy in a hopeful tone.

“Don't be silly”, responded Jason. “We've come so far already and it's all worked out. Let's see if we can swing across on the hanging pendants, like the vines in episode eleven.”

“Those pendants weren't reinforced by the prop department, Jason”, Gwen retorted. “The rods they're on won't bear your weight even if the pendants themselves can, and I for one have no idea what would happen to you if you fell into that blackness but I can't imagine it'll be good for your health.”

“Maybe we can take them down and construct some sort of rudimentary rope bridge”, offered Guy, but the rest quickly shot him down. 

In the end though, they did manage to tie a few into a knotted rope lasso of sorts, and hook it around a candle stand on the other side. Jason was all for going across himself, but could barely make it an eighth of the way before he had to fumble for their hands and pull himself back. This time it was Gwen, who worked the hardest out of all of them to stay fit since casting directors would least afford her the luxury of not fitting prevailing beauty standards. She shimmied across without a hitch, gave a condescending smirk to Jason, and helped everyone across with the aid of the extra pendants from her side.

They ascended the final stairway together, only to find Elrangor in flowing purple robes launching a bolt of magic at Buckaroo. The samurai-musician-surgeon-agent dived to the side in the nick of time and fired off a few rounds squarely at Elrangor, only for a wave of the wand to create a barrier of force that the rounds simply ricocheted off of. Buckaroo was clearly holding his own but unable to take Elrangor. Even Jason couldn't fool himself into thinking he could step into this conflict and live, since only Buckaroo's special ops training and superb athleticism could protect him from the barrage of magical attacks Elrangor continued to summon out of his wand.

“Wow,” said Fred.

“Let's leave before he sees us,” said Guy.

“I gotta admit, I like the guy, but I like living more,” said Gwen.

Jason looked at them, and back into the room, before ducking his head back down beneath the lip of the final staircase. He took a deep breath. “…I know how you're feeling, guys. I'm feeling it too. I felt it when Sarris had captured us, knowing this wasn't just pretend any more, knowing we were well and truly outmatched. If it was as simple as packing up and going home, I would have wanted to do it then too.”

He continued, his voice gaining strength. “But then, as now, it was the wrong choice. Then, as now, there's allies counting on us. If it was just us, that would be one thing. But are any of you comfortable looking at Lucia and her family and telling them we gave up? Are any of you okay with leaving Buckaroo Banzai up there fighting that wizard guy with no backup?

“In the show, there's something I said a lot, I'm sure you know what I'm talking about. Now, I'm just Jason Nesmith, I'm not Commander Taggart, I can't do the things he does. But gosh darn it I can be a good person, be someone I can be proud of, whether I'm wearing the suit or not. And giving up, or surrendering, when there's a friend giving his all in a worthy cause, that's just not something I can live with. So on three, I'm going to go up in there, and maybe I'll get hurt but maybe I'll distract the bad guy, give Buckaroo the chance he needs. I'm not expecting any of you to come after me, but I've got to admit, it would be the deepest honour of my life if you did.”

“One.... two....”

On three, Jason bounded into the room a good seven feet from where the wizard was guiding squidlike tentacles with his wand at Buckaroo, who was fending them off with the katana now. Elrangor barely seemed to notice his presence, but when Gwen, Fred, Guy, and Jason all followed suit he pulled back, protecting himself with his wand for the moment as his mind caught up to what his eyes were reporting. Buckaroo used the opportunity to lay another clip of pistol fire into the magical barrier surrounding the wizard, inflicting no harm but giving the others a chance to find cover. Jason got behind a pillar, Gwen crouched behind an overturned cauldron, Fred simply stood in a convenient alcove... but Tommy found himself open and exposed. Yelping with dismay he grabbed frantically around him for anything that'd help, finding only a spiraling pointy stick. Elrangor's eyes opened wide with shock when he saw Tommy holding it, and it took Tommy several whole seconds to realize it was an exact twin to Elrangor's own wand!

“Stand... stand back”, Tommy shouted at the tyrant wizard. “This wand is loaded and I know how to use it!”

Elrangor's look of surprise faded into a sly grin. “Actually, I don't believe you do”, he creaked. “You're holding it all wrong, your stance is terrible… I bet you couldn't toast the wings of a gnat with that thing if your life was on the line. Which, come to think of it, it is!”

He raised his wand triumphantly then… and Tommy matched the gesture, fixing his grip and stance to match the wizard's own. Elrangor scowled, brought the wand down to a mid-guard position and began a twisting motion in preparation for launching some horrific assault, but Tommy matched that too. A third time, the aspiring tyrant began swishing and flicking his wand to launch bolts of force at the youth, but a third time his actions were mirrored, and new bolts of force caught each of the old well before their mark, shattering into scintillating fragments of magical energy that hung in the air for several seconds.

|But how,” moaned Elrangor. “No wizard in the world knows that spell but me!”

“I'm not from your world though,” replied Tommy, still somewhat in disbelief.

“A pox upon on your house then, whoever you are! This won't be the last time we meet!” And he disappeared in a puff of smoke.

With Elrangor gone, the remaining followers quickly folded, with the various guardians disappearing in their own convenient puffs of smoke once Elrangor was no longer nearby to provide the necessary flow of mana. Lucia's parents were thrilled by the news, and since the official rules of Wizardly Duels allowed for the victory of summoned servants to substitute for the master, they could and did claim control over Elrangor's now-masterless tower. “Well, someone's got to manage all the household staff”, they said, “but no more enslavement magics. We know better than that.”

Once the essential details were sorted, there wasn't much time before midnight for anything else. Buckaroo offered each of them a “Blue Blaze Irregular” badge, and in return they promised him a cameo on the show if he ever made it to their world.

Then, with a sudden but rather anticlimactic pop, everyone found themselves back in their homes, with a rather implausible story to tell.


End file.
